A Ticking Pine Bomb*

My husband , Dan , is the freakiest Chrsitmas freak . His iPod is chock full of Christmas carol all year ’ round . In our last house , we hada Christmas room . He recently want to buygreen corduroy pants with candy canes on them , but my constant eye peal finally put a cork in that . It is very much like being marry to Buddy the Elf . So when Christmas roll around , I should be capable to get in the back seat and let him drive , good ?

patently not .

I send him out to corrupt a tree all by himself . I ’m busy at dwelling house with the babe and yada , yada … I calculate it was like sending Elizabeth Taylor to blame a diamond- It ’s the right someone for the correct job . ( Oh , this is where I should mention that he ’s not only a Christmas freak , he ’s also a certified horticulturist . ) So , I state him that I favor a white pine tree or Fraser fir but take a firm stand that he should do whatever he construe fit and …

He came home with a wholly dead , probably cut in July , spruce*that has been spray painted green . It is AUDIBLY losing needles … . And fast ! And scent ? There is n’t one . In fact , after a mean solar day of make believe wintertime crapper at study , I smell out more like a pine forest than that tree does .

Our home base is old and the rampart are flanked with radiator , so we have had to deplumate it away from the “ tree nook ” and now it ’s fairly much in front of the front door . Which will be convenient when it bursts into flaming . We can just unfold the door and cast it out into the dusty , wet night . Gifts that have already been placed under the tree diagram have been blanketed in spruce droppings .

We have decided that next year , we can take our girl ( who will then be 1.5 year old ) , to cut our own tree diagram . I promise to go with them and supervise . I cogitate that will be the only way of life to avoid this kind of public humiliation * , and/or in - plate forest fire and/or the purchase of a team of Dysons .

I understand that our tree is a spruce and not a pine . But I could n’t retrieve of anything funny for “ spruce ”
SPRUCE ? ? ? Oh really ? Borrrrring .
In rules of order for me to be able to remark this to you , I had to make a mass with Dan , I get to make fun of the Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree he brought home and now I have to go to a holiday political party I do n’t want to go to ( and also behave and not break tyke makeup and no growl at people ) . I need you people to get laid that I suffer for my art …

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